I Hate to Clean

So, we have been living in this house for over a year now. Not a bad place, four bedrooms, finished basement, kitchen, dining room, large living room and two and a half baths on a cul-de-sac. Needs updated bad. Horrible blue flowered 80's wallpaper in the kitchen, part of the kitchen 70's panelled. It's just looovely. But hey, it's home.

So, the bathroom. The bathroom that we call the grown up's bathroom. Simply because Me, Hades, his brother Poseidon (who also lives with us) my daughter Melaena and her two year old son use the bathroom I am referring to.

I hate to clean. Ask anyone that lives with me. Or anyone that doesn't live with me, but knows me. The bathroom gets to looking like something tacked onto the back of a gas station, and when I think I may become deathly ill because of sitting on the toilet, I'll clean it. OK, so I half ass clean it. I clean the sink and the toilet, run the wet jet over the floor, empty the garbage, and close the shower curtain.  I have actually cleaned the tub less than five times since we have lived here. I'm embarrassed to say, I am not lying.

There is a window in the shower of the bathroom, and many half empty bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash litter the ledge. Both Melaena and I have enormous amounts of hair, so occasionally there is even an extra bottle or two of some type of different conditioner in there also. The dog's shampoo will sit on the edge of the tub from the last time someone bathed him, and there is an empty cup that sits in one corner that the baby plays with when he is in there. (I know he drinks his bath water, and twenty bucks says his mom doesn't stop him.)

One day, a few months back, I was showering, and glancing at the black mold growing around the edge of the tub, and up into the grout and thought, hmmmm maybe I should clean the tub. I reached over to grab either shampoo or conditioner, I don't know which and almost had a heart attack. There was something under the lip of the window sill. 

I hurriedly cleaned myself (I swear it was the quickest shower I have ever taken in my life.) Eyeballing this...monster bug egg sac? Window sill glue leaking out because of so many hot showers? Alien bat shit? the entire time. I threw on clothes, ran downstairs and practically screamed at Hades to save us all from the brain sucking aliens that had planted something in my shower. Hades calmly walked upstairs, grabbed a hunk of toilet paper and removed the...mushrooms.  I shit you not, mushrooms had sprouted in the grout of my shower.

So, that was probably three months ago. I got around to finally cleaning the shower today. Six inches of soap scum, a can of comet with bleach, half a spray can of Kaboom, and a half a gallon of bleach later and my tub, toilet, and sink are so clean you could eat off or out of them. If the dog could actually reach the toilet, he would agree the water was clean and good. :)

When I was finished (I even replaced the shower curtain liner, the red mold growing on the old one wigged me out when the shower pressure was intense and the liner would come at me.) I looked down at the tile floor. Now mind you, the bathroom is an eclectic mix of 70's and eighties. Blue sink. Blue tub. White toilet. Peach and beige teeney tiny tiles on the floor, horrible geometric peach and blue and white wallpaper. A vanity that came straight from the seventies, double cubbies with mirrored doors and a mirror between, set off by an ornate silver frame that looks like it belongs in a castle. I think the vanity is wicked cool.

I studied the tile on the floor for a moment, wondering if it would look better with lighter grout. Why anyone would use brown grout was beyond me, It looked stupid.

Anyway, I was in a cleaning mood, so I decided to scrub the 7 inches of hairspray from the floor. (Yes, you can still get aerosol aqua net in the pink and white can!!) I got hot soapy pine sol water...mmmmm...into my bucket, got myself a couple of rag rags, and my scrub brush, and went to town. Two and a half hours later, two more refills on that pine sol bucket and, the grout is white. Yes, the grout is white.

I think I just threw up in my mouth. We have been walking barefoot on other people's grout ick.  For over a year.

I need a maid.